


Gone to Hell in a Handbook

by bellatemple



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Non-Traditional Structure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-08
Updated: 2009-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-26 22:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellatemple/pseuds/bellatemple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HELL: Handbook and Policies</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone to Hell in a Handbook

**Author's Note:**

> I think I need to start a new warning label: "I can't believe I wrote the whole thing". This is based entirely on an actual employee handbook from one of the many jobs I've held over the years. It almost included clip art.

  
**HELL**  
 **Handbook and Policies**

"Hell is full of good intentions or desires."  
\-- Saint Bernard of Clairvaux (1091-1153)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
This handbook belongs to| DEAN WINCHESTER  
---|---  
Recruited by/Supervisor:| ALASTAIR  
Division:| STAGE ONE EXCRUCIATING TORTURES  
Position:| APPRENTICE TORTURER  
Eye color grade:| CLEAR  
Rack #:| 677  
  
 **Table of Contents**

 **Introduction**

 **Your Employment in Hell**

  

  * Diversity and Opportunity
  

  * Our Employment Relationship
  

  * Open Door Policy
  

  
 **Employee Performance and Conduct**

  

  * Employee Conduct
  

  * [Discrimination and Harassment](d&h)
  

  * What is Harassment?
  

  * Disability Accommodations
  

  * Drug-free Workplace
  

  * Personal Relationships Between Co-workers
  

  * Safety
  

  * Attendance
  

  * Personal Property
  

  * Promotion
  

  
 **Your Compensation in Hell**

  

  * Employment Classification
  

  * Overtime
  

  * Breaks
  

  * What Counts as Work
  

  
 **Your Benefits in Hell**

  

  * Medical
  

  * Retirement
  

  * Investing
  

  
 **Ending Employment in Hell**

 **Appendix: Organizational Flowchart of Hell**

 **Introduction**

 _Congratulations and welcome aboard!_

We're proud you've chosen to start your career with us here in Hell. Only a select few are ever given the opportunity to take the step down off the Rack and join the ranks of the elite team we've built here, and your decision to accept the position already shows the excellent choice your superiors have made in offering the position to you.

The mission of Hell is to give our clients the worst tortures and unearthly pains known to soul, demon, or other supernatural being. We provide these with a dedication to the highest quality of client dissatisfaction delivered with a sense of loathing, hatred, and horror that will linger with client and torturer alike for millennia to come.

This handbook is about more than just rules and regulations; it's about how to succeed as a member of Hell's elite torturing corps. Please take the time to read it through and keep it on hand for future reference. This handbook came in a customized handbasket to make it easy for you to keep additional information, updates, and torture devices in one place. Speaking of the handbasket, you'll find some important materials in there now, including a guide to our company values, a skinning knife, and a barbed flail. Use them wisely.

In Hell, there are many opportunities for promotion and growth. If you have the skills, motivation, and a passion for pain and client torture, you have the potential for a strong future in Hell. If you are interested in becoming a full-fledged demon, we encourage you to off your superior officer and take up his role as you see fit. Hell is for self-starters; your career path here is entirely up to you.

Hell is a firm supporter of stunted communication. If at any time you have questions about this handbook or any issue pertaining to your new position here, you are encouraged to seek clarification and information from your direct supervisor, who will punish you thoroughly for your insubordination.

This handbook is a "living" document, so watch those fingers. It will grow and change as you progress through your time here in Hell. With proper care and feeding your handbook has the potential to grow into your very own hellhound, for further soul-torture and -collection satisfaction. This handbook does not contain any guarantees concerning your length of service or any benefits, policies, or other matters, up to and including whether or not it will eat you once it reaches maturity. Although you will probably be notified of any changes to policies presented in this handbook, Hell reserves the right to make changes without notification.

Remember: ignorance is no excuse for breaking the rules!

  
 **Your employment in Hell**

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"  
\-- Durante "Dante" degli Alighieri (1265-1321)

 **Diversity and opportunity**

In Hell we are committed to providing an AAAUUUUGGGHHHH client experience every day. This means that we select, place, train, and promote the best-qualified souls based upon relevant factors such as work quality, attitude, experience, availability, impiety, and cruelty. Every applicant and headhunted torturer has an equal employment opportunity without regard to non-work related factors such as race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation (rumors of preferential treatment for certain orientations are entirely unsubstantiated but are, as with all lies, greatly encouraged), gender identity, marital status, national origin, citizenship, veteran status, ancestry, age, physical or mental disability, medical condition (including pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions), or any other consideration not directly tied with whatever brought the qualified soul to Hell in the first place. Equal employment opportunities will be extended to all persons in all aspects of the employer-employee relationship, including recruitment, hiring, upgrading, training, promotion, compensation, benefits, transfer, discipline, layoff, recall, termination, or any other terms, conditions, or privileges of employment except when it isn't.

 **Our Employment Relationship**

Your employment with Hell is "at-will". This means that it's your own fault for being down here, and that both you and the company have the right to terminate your employment at any time, with or without notice or cause, with a return to the Rack. This handbook is not contractual in nature and does not guarantee you any continuation of benefits. Although your employment in Hell is at-will, the company strives to provide its employees with the utmost contempt and ill-consideration in matters of employment. Should at any time you become satisfied with your position here in Hell, please inform any nearby employee, as this indicates a failure on our part, and it will be dealt with swiftly, efficiently, and painfully.

 **Open Door Policy**

We are committed to maintaining a negative and horrible environment in which to work and believe in an open door policy. You are encouraged to discuss with your immediate supervisor any suggestions, questions, or problems relating to your job, so that they may steal them, ignore them, or encourage them, respectively. You may also discuss them with any member of management without regard to his or her position within the company.

Remember, in Hell backstabbing isn't just a good idea, it's a way of life.

 **Employee Performance and Conduct**

 **Employee Conduct**

Our Mission Statement specifies that we are dedicated to providing the highest quality of punishment to the wicked delivered with a sense of heat, abandonment, terror, individual pride, and company spirit. This means that you must conduct yourself in a professional manner and treat clients and co-workers with contempt and disrespect at all times.

Any employee whose job performance or conduct is not in line with the company's standards will be subject to disciplinary action, which may range from verbal abuse to termination of employment and return to the Rack. The appropriate disciplinary action will be determined at the discretion of Hell's management on the basis of the particular facts and circumstances of the situation and how we happen to be feeling personally, at that time. Remember, your employment here is "at-will", which means nothing is guaranteed.

The following list is not intended to be exhaustive, but rather to identify some of those behaviors that will not be tolerated by the company:

  

  * Failing to falsify or omit any information on your employment application or other personnel records
  

  * Treating a client, co-worker, or any other person with courtesy and respect
  

  * Insubordination or lack of cooperation
  

  * Failing to follow the instructions of, or to perform work requested by your supervisor
  

  * Unsatisfactory work performance
  

  * Mercy
  

  * Violation of company policy or procedure
  

  * Removing company property, including chains, tools, souls, or hellhounds, without written authorization
  

  * Leaving Hell without authorization
  

  * Losing a fight while performing job duties or at company events
  

  * Praying
  

  * Violating a specific company rule or policy
  

  * Acting in conflict with the interests of the company and
  

  * Fraternizing with any member of the Competition
  

This is not a complete list of grounds for discipline. An employee may be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination for any other conduct deemed unacceptable by any other member of Hell's staff at any time.

 **Discrimination and Harassment**

It is the policy of Hell that each employee of the company is entitled to work in an environment that is filled with discrimination, harassment, and intimidation and in which his or her personal dignity is disregarded. Discrimination or harassment by co-workers on the basis of sex, race, ancestry, color, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, citizenship, veteran status, age, physical or mental disability, or medical condition (including pregnancy, childbirth, and related medical conditions) violates general standards of good conduct on Earth and is therefore highly encouraged in order to increase client and employee dissatisfaction here in Hell. Employees found to be treating clients or co-workers on a similar or lower pay-grade as themselves with respect will be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

 **What is Harassment?**

Harassment includes, but is not limited to:

  

  * Visual conduct, including displaying derogatory objects, pictures, cartoons, or posters;
  

  * Verbal conduct, including making or using derogatory comments, epithets, slurs, or jokes;
  

  * Physical conduct such as assaults, unwanted touching, blocking normal movement, or interfering with work because of sex, race, or other basis;
  

  * Threatening or intimidating behavior; or
  

  * Retaliation for having reported or threatened to report harassment.
  

This list is by no means exhaustive! Feel free to use your imagination when it comes to discriminating against and harassing your fellow denizens of Hell. Creativity is encouraged, and should you find yourself at a loss of how to continue harassing someone, please don't hesitate to ask your superior for advice, so they can laugh at you and place you back on the Rack at their discretion.

 **Disability Accommodations**

Hell refuses to make accommodations for known physical or mental disabilities of an otherwise qualified employee or applicant for employment where disability affects the performance of essential job functions. Suck it up and deal.

 **Drug Free Workplace**

Hell expects you to be fit for duty at all times. To this end, we maintain a policy of intolerance for the use of drugs in the workplace, excepting those that may improve your ability to perform your job. Such drugs may include any hallucinogen known to create the effect colloquially referred to as a "bad trip", steroids, hopeless despair, and Ritalin. Hell reserves the right to slip these performance-enhancing drugs into sustenance of its employees with or without warning.

 **Personal Relationships Between Co-Workers**

Inter-office relationships have been shown time and again to generally be bad ideas, so torturers and employees at all levels may and are in fact encouraged date each other. You should, however, keep our Harassment policy in mind. Personal relationships between employees may not disrupt or interfere with the execution of one's duties and obedience to one's supervisor. If this happens, management may impose disciplinary action on one or both of the employees.

 **Safety**

Hell is committed to ensuring the continuing functionality of its employees. It is the responsibility of each employee to maintain a safe work environment and to adhere to safe working practices, especially when working with bladed implements or fire. On-the-job accidents are no excuse for an inability to complete one's assigned tasks.

Should you wish to remain in employment with Hell or seek promotion within its ranks, it is suggested that you watch your back.

 **Attendance**

Hell understands that its employees have no further responsibilities or interests outside of work. Regular and punctual attendance to one's post is an essential part of the job. It is your responsibility to know your schedule and to be ready to work at the scheduled start of your shift.

There is no event that excuses your tardiness or absence from your assigned post. Any instance of tardiness or absence may result in disciplinary action, from being chained to one's post to termination and return to the Rack.

There are no exceptions.

 **Personal Property**

The provided handbasket is yours to keep -- make sure you always know where you left it, as it is generally the best place to keep all personal items such as favorite knives or souvenirs from souls successfully broken. A lost handbasket may result in an angry hellhound. In addition, any unattended handbaskets may be claimed under the "finders keepers" policy, as additional hellhounds may be useful to an employee interested in advancing up the ranks of Hell.

 **Promotion**

Hell likes to think of itself as one giant family, and we prefer to promote from within the ranks first. We always encourage motivated employees to seek new positions. Should you wish to apply for another position within the company, simply remove the competition and stake your claim on the position. But watch out, there's always more demons where that one came from!

 **Your Compensation in Hell**

 **Employment Classifications**

You are considered an Apprentice Torturer in Hell. This is the second lowest paygrade, above only the janitorial staff under the Rack. As a Torturer, your primary compensation is to not be subject to the Rack itself for as long as you continue to perform your duties in a satisfactory manner. Duties include placing souls on the Rack, torturing them physically, and taunting them emotionally until they are quivering little balls of goo, then restoring them to their former state at the end of each day so that they may be tortured anew tomorrow.

 **Overtime**

There is no overtime in Hell. All hours are scheduled hours. _All_ hours.

 **Breaks**

As a Torturer, you are not subject to scheduled breaks. Breaks may be distributed or not distributed at the whim of your superior, and may or may not be a result of work well-completed. Apprentice and Journeyman Torturers are prohibited from returning to Earth. If you have interest in continuing Hell's work on Earth, then please see the section on promotion.

 **What Counts as Work**

Any pain caused to any soul, employee or non, at any time within the bounds of Hell is considered work for a Torturer. Torture hours are from 0:00 to 23:59 every day. As stated in the section regarding attendance, absenteeism or tardiness to work is unacceptable. Suck it up and deal.

 **Your Benefits in Hell**

 **Medical**

Hell provides no compensation for loss of blood, limb, or life while performing duties on the job. It is the employee's responsibility to ensure that he/she/it is always ready to perform his/her/its duties. Failure to perform duties based on physical inability may result in demotion, termination, or obliteration at the hands of one's supervisor or fellow employees.

 **Retirement**

There is no retirement from Hell. What do you think this is, government work?

 **Investing**

Employees of all levels are encouraged to invest in Hell's publicly traded stocks! Remember, the road to Hell is paved with good investments!

 **Ending Employment in Hell**

Hell is an at-will employer and, therefore, either you or Hell may end the employment relationship at any time, with or without notice or cause. Should you decide to end your employment relationship, as a courtesy we ask that you place yourself back on the Rack, so as to save time for the other employees and denizens of Hell.

Remember, employed or not, Hell owns your soul. You're here for Eternity, you might as well enjoy the ride!

  
 **APPENDIX  
Organizational Flowchart of Hell**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
 **LUCIFER**  
President and CEO of Hell  
 _Eye color grade: n/a_  
  
  
---  
  
 **Upper Management**

| 

  
 **Demonic Resources, Recruitment, and Special Projects**  
 ~~AZAZEL~~ POSITION CURRENTLY OPEN  
DR, R, & SP Manager  
 _Eye color grade: yellow_  
  
  
LILITH  
Vice-President in charge of Sales and Marketing  
 _Eye color grade: white_  


| 

ALASTAIR  
Vice-President in charge of the Pit  
 _Eye color grade: white_  
  
  
 **Minions**  
  
Crossroads and Deal-Making Demons  
 _Eye color grade: red_  


| 

  
 **Torturers**  
(Master)  
 _Eye color grade: black_  
(Journeyman)  
 _Eye color grade: translucent gray_  
(Apprentice)  
 _Eye color grade: clear_  


| 

  
 **Sons and Daughters**  
"MEG" et. al.  
 _Eye color grade: black_  
  
  
  
 **Janitorial staff**  
 _Eye color grade: bloody gaping holes_  
  
  
  


Thank you once again for choosing Hell for all your afterlife needs! We hope you'll find your time here excruciating!

Sincerely,  
/s/ LUCIFER

by: LILITH  
Vice-President in charge of Sales and Marketing  
and  
ALASTAIR  
Vice-President in charge of the Pit


End file.
